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Thursday, July 3rd, 2003
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9:47a - resolution
i have decided to let it go.
for the past two weeks, i've been on an emotional rollercoaster over the boy from the band. ever since Fete, i've been racing between giggly-happy-jelly-jointed and angry-self-deprecating-miserable-desperate. i've toured the grounds of emotional upheaval, taken a seat at every show and left before the intermission, pushing myself to see what the next freak show holds. i've been anticipating, dreading, wishing, hoping, crying, longing, flirting, lamenting, aching.
and now i stop.
i received a good talking-to from my friend TJ, who put things in perspective. which is not to say that the advice (and snickers, and snide jokes, and innuendo, for that matter. mwah!) from lady_pain and quinnzap weren't beneficial. indeed, everytime i agonized over or celebrated my predicament/feat (my Fete feat!), they were right there, and for that i thank them a great deal.
but talking to TJ helped me realize a few things, including the possibility that the feat really ended at Fete. and that's how i view it now. it is a closed chapter in the book of my life, and despite my preference for inebriation and dream over grim reality, i think i can safely--and calmly--stop deluding myself now.
which is not to say i'm giving up entirely. i'm simply leaving the situation--predicament or otherwise--alone to stew in its own exotic and quirky juices. there really isn't anything i can do anymore that won't torment me further, and i think i can do without the added distress. what frustrations that may remain i shall steer toward my academics and my work, and what time i would spend chasing after the boy i will instead use to catch up with old friends and loves.
it's a closed--and rather short, i know--chapter in my life that i will reread with a wistful heart and a melancholy smile. i hope his stars remain as happily shuffled as they can. maybe one day soon i'll be "starshuffled" too.
current mood:  melancholy
current music: Shout: The Best of Tears for Fears (7 comments |comment on this)
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2:18p
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current mood:  cranky
current music: Duncan Sheik's Barely Breathing (comment on this)
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